Time

Oh, it is true.  In 2 short months I will be turning 40.  Turning 40 doesn't bother me like I thought it might, but man does it have me thinking about my life.  I only have 3 short years left with my eldest daughter living in our home; only 5 years with our son.  Where did the years go?  How in the world are my curly haired, tow-headed, pudgy little ones teenagers already?  I really do think like this.  Crazy how I am 40.  This morning, as I was trying to listen to the voice of God through Scripture, He yelled at me in the book of beginnings, the book of Genesis.  I've been following Abraham and Sarah for a while now, and God reminded me of an important truth.  I had to read it twice (and you may have to as well) to understand what He was saying to me through this seemingly mundane piece of information.  Here it is from Genesis 25:  

"These are the days of Abraham's life, 175 years."

And I am reminded:  The YEARS of my life consist of the DAYS of it.  My daily living.  My daily interactions with the precious people God has allowed me to live with.  The mundane (but very consuming) tasks of everyday living.  So thank You, Lord.  Thank you for reminding me to be in the moment this day.  To remember that this day will never happen again.  When Biruk asks me to read A Pair of Red Clogs for the 45th time, help me to do it with joy knowing that this moment is the only one I KNOW that I have.  When Kristen wants to be crafty with me, help me to look at quality time spent and not the glue and glitter on the countertop and floor.  When my big girl lays in my lap and asks me to rub her back, help me to be in the moment and not thinking about what I'm going to make for dinner.  When Leah begs for family read-aloud time, remind me what a blessing it is that she's asking for this at all and take the time to do it.  With the Lord's help, that is exactly what I need to do:  

Take the time given to me, not just let time pass and then wonder where in the world it went.

She who believes....

It has been a looonnngggg time since I've taken the time to sit and write down my thoughts in this blog.  Oh, it's not that I haven't thought about it often, it's just that actually finding the time to sit down at this computer is nearly impossible.  This morning, though, I was gently guided by His loving hand to a truth in Scripture that I just HAD to record. 

If you know me at all, you know that I love Christmas-time...which for me starts in late November and doesn't end until the middle of January.  I love everything about it, especially since the Lord is teaching me how not to get caught up in the commercialism of it all and enjoy it for what it is.  Which has also led me to love Advent.  Truly taking part in Advent has been a game-changer for my family and I.  It takes a wild and stressed-out heart and directs it to the side of Zechariah and Sarah as they receive the amazing news that they are going to have a baby in their old age, and that this boy will herald the coming of the long awaited Messiah to the Israelites who have been not-so-patiently waiting for the past 400 years.  It brings me to Mary as she receives the heart stopping news that she will house God-Made-Flesh for 9 months and makes me marvel at the faith that says, "I am the Lord's servant.  May it be to me as you have said."  I travel each grueling mile with Mary and Joseph on their way to the City of David and watch each person shake their head and turn away the young couple about to birth the most precious of all babies into the world.  And I sing with the angels, "Glory to God in the Highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests!"  I feel the anticipation of Simeon and Anna as they watch every day for the Messiah to walk through the gates of the temple; and watch and watch, and watch, until one day the Lord rewards their patient diligence and Mary and Joseph walk into the courts holding God With Us in their arms to dedicate Him to the Lord. 

I was reading today in Luke 1:39-45 where Mary gets the news that she will be with child and also learns that Elizabeth, her old, wrinkly, in-love-with-God cousin, is also expecting a child.  She picked up her skirts and "hurried to a town in the hill country of Judea" to spend almost 3 months with the only person who could understand what was happening to her.  Here's the part that God whispered into my heart this morning, "I want this to be you, dear one."  Here's how Elizabeth described Mary in verses 44 & 45: 

"As soon s the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy.  Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!"



As soon as I read it I knew:  I want to be a woman who believes that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.  Sometimes I feel stuck in my sin.  Will I ever learn to be gentle with my words?  Will I ever learn how to respond in His Spirit rather than react in my ugly flesh?  Will I ever, for the love of the land, stop being so selfish?  My feelings swirl like a tornado and I am left believing the lies of the evil one and forgetting the truth of Scripture.  That

"if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 

"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."

"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." 

These and hundreds of other promises are made by the One who only says what He means and means what He says.  My job is only to believe Him for what He says.  Just like Mary.  Just like Elizabeth.  Just like my friend Kelly.  Just like Abraham who "believed the LORD and it was credited to him as righteousness."  And Jesus speaks over me and over all of us,

"Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

~Jen

Learning in the midst of living....

"The art of life is learning how to turn and see a certain way...

I knit brows over kids yelling, and when did I start thinking serenity was something that I owned, that peace was something I had property rights to — and that I’d been straight out robbed if I lost a bit of peace and quiet? How can I lose it when I lose things as trite as a clean counter, a break, an uninterrupted moment?

And I touch the edge of things... —

Who am I to complain in losses — when what I lost wasn’t mine to begin with?"
~Ann Voskamp

Oh, this is me.  I crave peace.  What I never thought though, is that I also crave quiet.  Me, with the 5 crazy kids and the homeschooling and an 1800 square foot house.  Sometimes I demand it, quieting the screams and the squeals and the giggles and the running which causes the 6-pound white dog to bark incessently, but why do I do it?  Am I not stifling the stuff of a life alive when I do this?  Who am I to think that this is the season for quiet?  And why do I feel so unglued when I don't have it?  But reading this on this particular morning, God makes me pause and think.  I am sharing in a Bible study journey with an amazing group of raw, honest, open, authentic women for the next six weeks that is making us take a look at what causes us to come Unglued.  I think God is teaching me that it is this, this craving for serenity and the lack of it that makes me feel like I'm falling apart.  This is what causes me to explode when kids are fighting.  This is what fuels sarcastic remarks when the 8 year old who would rather live in a tree house and spend 99% of her time outside balks at doing her schoolwork.  This is what causes my insides to boil when the boy fights with the freckle-faced girl over the inconsequential and miniscule.  But when did I start thinking that "I'd been straight out robbed if I lost a bit of peace and quiet?  Who am I to complain in losses - when what I lost wasn't mine to begin with?"  Is it possible to feel the rest of God when the everyday is loud and chaotic and messy? 

I don't want to explode anymore.  I don't want to screech a lecture.  People, this parenting thing...this living life abundant...is hard.  I don't get it right many times during the course of my day.  I give you full permission to ask my children who live with me 24 hours a day and 7 days a week.  They see my ups and downs.  They hear the stern and disapproving voice.  They see the countenance, the furrowed brow and the tight lips.  God has been talking to me, teaching me, about the rest He offers to every single one of us, for a couple of years now.  But I did like I so often do:  took it to the extreme.  I took it to mean that rest equaled serenity.  I'm thinking now, though, that this is a quietness of the soul even in the midst of the craziness of raising this brood that He has blessed us with.  I know that this is going to be hard for me.  I know that I am going to have to lay down what I've tagged as "my right" and sacrifice what I want (serenity) to allow our kids to be what they are:  young.  impetuous.  crazy.  loud.  messy.  alive.  beautiful.  I will learn to live in the crazy and experience God's peace at the same time.  I will lay down my rights and let God supply my needs.  And I'm giving myself space to mess up and learn.  To let the Master wash over me with His grace in the midst of unglued moments.  To be happy with "imperfect progress" as Lysa Turkhurst calls it. 

38 years old and still learning everyday....

Jen

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see....

One of the greatest blessings in my life is when the living, breathing, Word of God speaks to me.  I have had the privilege of walking with the Lord Jesus for 20 years now, and I will never cease to be amazed by how He talks with me and teaches me through His Word.  Especially when it's a verse that I have read countless times during these last 20 years.  Such was the case this morning.  An old truth hit me in a new way; a truth that I pray will deepen my relationship with the amazing God who still chooses to bend down to lead and guide His children.

Today, I was in Hebrews 11, reading again about the members of the Hall of Faith.  Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Sarah, Isaac, and the rest. 

"Who, by faith, shut the mouths of lions, quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies." 

The older I get, the less inclined I am to think of these men and women as the "greats" of the Christian faith.  They were just ordinary men and women like me, like you, who chose to believe God.  There was nothing extraordinary about them except one thing:  They believed God for what He said and who He is.  Here is the verse that slammed itself into my head and heart this morning:  "Without faith, it is impossible to please God."  I was working through my Bible study this morning and this is what it said concerning this verse: 

"Are you still searching for your calling?  Are you still wrestling with your purpose on this earth?  Our calling is to please Him - to wake up every moring saying, 'Yes, Lord,' then live through the day to discover His questions."

My husband and I are in a new season of life and I am struggling to find out what my calling is in the midst of it.  For the past eight years I knew my role.  Youth pastor's wife; mama; teacher of the Word to high school and college students.  God took most of that away from me and I've felt like a fish out of water.  What now, Lord??  I believe He answered my question this morning.  "You are to concentrate on pleasing Me."  How can I please you, Lord?  "By believing that I AM and that I reward those who earnestly seek Me."  (See Heb. 11:6) 

I am tempted to think in my head, "Well, that's a beginning!!"  But it's not.  It's everything.  I want to understand what it means to walk with God and please Him.  To remember that what I do does not give me my identity.  He does.  I want my story of faith to bring pleasure to my heavenly Daddy who loves me.  What will be written about me in the annuls of heaven? 

"By faith Noah....  by faith Enoch....  by faith Abraham....  by faith Rahab....  by faith Jennifer Travis...."

Learning to Live in the Truth

This mama can sometimes wonder if her life is amounting to much of anything.  What difference can I be making as I wash, hang, and fold 11 loads of laundry this week?  Or fight my way through 400 strawberries to make jam for the year?  Or tend a garden?  Or cook 3 meals a day every day?  Or school my children?  Or love my husband?  And doesn't life sometimes feel like the old(ish) movie Groundhog's Day? 

And then He whispers it to me as I stand alone outside, pinning clothes to the line and listening to the wind rustle the green leaves in our huge maple trees:  It is all for nothing if I'm not doing it with Him.  My significance doesn't lie in what I do.  My worth is NOT found in what I do.  I am worthy because He loves me.  My work is worthy because He makes it so.  Sometimes I feel like I get it, and those are wonderful days of contentment and peace in my soul.  My mind is at rest on those days.  How am I so quick to forget these deep lessons learned?  It is indeed true that the enemy prowls around like a lion waiting to devour any unsuspecting and, dare I say, sleeping son or daughter of the King.  He waits for the morning when I haven't armed myself with the truth of scripture to whisper words that make me doubt and I am so quick to believe those words.  Why am I so quick to believe those words? 

The Lord has taught me something over this past year through my precious husband, and it has made all the difference in me as I learn to think rightly.  It is this:  Always combat the lies of the evil one with the truth of scripture.  So I open His love letter to me and read in Ephesians 1 that our God and Daddy has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. 
That He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. 
That He adopted us as sons and daughters through Jesus Christ because it pleased Him to do so! 
That He lavishes His grace on us. 
That He wants me to know in the marrow of my bones the hope to which He has called me:  the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints and His incomparably great power for us who believe. 
That He Himself is my peace. 
And then He leads me to Colossians 3:15-17:

"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  AND BE THANKFUL.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.  And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

So I will wash, hang, and fold laundry with the Lord, and give thanks to Him that we have clothes to wear.  I will make jam, thanking Him for the bountiful harvest and share what He's blessed us with.  I will tend our garden and be thankful for seeds to plant and good soil to plant them in.  I will make meals and be thankful for food to prepare and put in front of my family at meal times.  I will school my children and be thankful for the opportunity to live out Deuteronomy 6 as we "impress {these commands} on {our} children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."  I will love my husband in front of my children and try to model for them what life can be like when the Lord weaves 2 lives so closely together that they become one flesh, loving one another with the love that the Lord lavishes on us.  And I will remember:  my Daddy King loves me and promises to empower me daily to walk life with Him.  I will not forget again.

 

A Letter

Sweet Biruk Abigail,

You have been here for 8 months and I really can't believe it!  You have brought so much laughter and fun into our house.  I can't remember life without you, and I don't want to!  Your sweetness (and even your difficult-ness at times) has increased the grace and the joy in our house by 10.  Here is a couple of my favorite times with you, Biruk:

*The first time I saw you.  You were so quiet, holding onto daddy's neck.  Your eyes got H-U-G-E when you saw that "jumpy-jumpy" (trampoline:)) and you bounced the tar out of it with us.  You actually hugged me 10 minutes in!  We played catch with a little red ball, and you refused to put your tongue inside of your mouth!:)

*The day that you discovered toys beyond the pull-around-on-a-string dog.  You dug right into that big trunk of toys and had a blast.

*The first time that you kissed me.  It was only the 2nd day that you had been home, and you cuddled right up on my lap and kissed my cheek.  My heart nearly exploded from joy!  You were a sweetheart right from the beginning, weren't you?

*Watching you learn how to swing:)  Now you're a pro, but then...falling off of the swing was a regular thing!  Loved watching your eyes light up when you finally learned how to pump your legs and make that swing go.

*Seeing you warm right up to church.  You loved your "school" from the very first time you went there.  You melted every single teacher's heart, and made just about 100 friends that day.

*I didn't really know you then, but the first time I saw your picture.  It was a cold, gross-looking-kind-of day, and I was over at the neighbors' house.  Leah called me on the phone and told me to "GET OVER HERE!!!"  So, I sprinted across the yard (barefoot.) and ran right to the dining room.  Tears on every face, dad peeking through the window since he had been making maple syrup, and a laptop in front of mom.  "We got a phone call, Em!!" mom said through her tears, "We HAVE A LITTLE GIRL!"  Your picture was small and sweet.  You looked ornery, (Were we right on that or what!?) and your smile was small.  I fell in love right about there.

*When I found out that your name means "blessed".  Hon, we were blessed by you!

*The very first time that you were thrown 30-somethin' feet into the air by daddy...hearing your screech of joy.

These are just a few examples, Biruky:)  There has been many more, and there will be many more. I can not describe how glad I am that you are my sis.  I love you, Biruk.

Love,

Emma

Oh, but for grace

Last evening my amazingly wonderful mother-in-law came to spend time with us.  I was getting up to leave the supper table, distracted, thinking about the meeting I was heading out the door to get to.  They all pretended to cough, all of my sweet loved ones around the dining room table glowing with candlelight and strewn with remnants of a Friday night pizza and bar cookies smeared across little faces.  Gratitude journals busily being scribbled in.  "Stay, mama!  I think I may be getting sick!"  More coughing and giggles.  I try to clean up some of the mess before I have to go, anxiously looking at the clock and knowing that I must be leaving to get there on time.  I give kisses to all of them, making my way around the table as I pulled on my coat to guard against the cold and snow awaiting me outside.  I promise to be gone only as long as I have to, and out the door I went.  I got into my car and put up the garage door, just like always.  I started to back out, just like always.  And then I ran into my mother in law's car.   

I made a big mistake and today feels hard.  

This week, the fuel pump went out in my man's truck, our Yukon is not working right, the heater for our home broke, a tooth chipped in the back of my mouth, we're learning again how to fully trust the Lord to provide for our needs since He called Aaron out of the ministry, and now this.  Ugh.  Double ugh.  Tears are flowing and I'm not trying to stop them.  Sometimes a soul needs a good cleansing.  I noticed that when I cry, I can physically see better.  When tears fill my eyes it's like having the benefit of binoculars; all things around me come into view clearly.  I decide that this is exactly what I need, but I need it more for my spirit.  

When I backed into Mom's car, I received something I clearly did not deserve:  grace.  My mom immediately hugged me, telling me it was going to be just fine.  My man who, truth be told, I was even more worried about than my mom looked me straight in the eyes and held both of my wet cheeks in his strong hands and said, "It's o.k.  God will provide."  Both of them just kept pouring grace out on me all last night and this morning.  But how does one who deserves to be chastised for such a silly mistake accept this grace freely and lovingly given?  I'm only now starting to feel it.  The first impulse is to pulverize the self, let condemning words run freely through the mind and nod the head in utter agreement.  Why?  Because I know that's what I deserve.  Here's what I know.  Grace is hard to give sometimes.  But it is always hard to be on the receiving end of it.  Always.  We're not dummies.  We know what we should get.  And when we don't get it we're dumbfounded.  We don't know what to do with it.  

Isn't this what I've done for the past 20 years of my walk with Christ?  He has poured out grace upon grace over my head, and I've worked and worked to earn it, not daring to fully believe that He gives it not because I deserve it but because He loves me.  Me, who feels the least deserving of it because I know myself.  Surely He must be using this as an object lesson for me.  Accept grace.  Breathe it in.  Live in it.  Rest in it.  Stop the worry and the work and the self-condemnation.  There is no more, NO MORE, condemnation for those who live in Christ Jesus.  So I read this blog by Ann Voskamp and I remember again to force myself to accept grace, and that I can't see all that God is going to do through this but I can know that He will indeed work ALL things to the good of those who love Him and that I need to learn to give thanks in ALL circumstances like the Holy Spirit is teaching me through Paul, and suddenly I begin to see clearly again.

3 months already?

I want to begin this post by thanking everyone for their prayers, encouragement, and support during and after our adoption of Biruk Abigail Travis.  We are so grateful to be a part of a community of believers who actively love us like you do.  I love that the Lord has broadened our friendships to include those attending at least 10 different churches since He called us to adopt.  It's a small taste of what we will experience together in heaven, and it feels good and right.

I would like to fill you in on how Biruk is adjusting to our family.  I meant to do this every so often to keep you updated, but the first 2 months were difficult in that we dealt with unexpected illnesses in both Biruk and I.  I am so thankful that we are feeling better, and also thankful for what the Lord taught us through that difficult time.  Aaron and I both said that we never would have chosen what He gave to us, but we are not sorry.  He drew us together as a couple and made us stronger, our family as a whole learned that we really do need each other, and the Lord showed us yet again that we cannot live this life without Him.  At all.  He is teaching us how to slow down, how to live fully in each moment and be fully present, how to serve one another better and perhaps most importantly, that we must cease living life so isolated.  These are huge lessons for us and we are trying hard to be Mary's and sit at the Master's feet soaking Him and His words all into our minds, bodies, hearts.  

I believe that the timing of these lessons has everything to do with our adoption.  I have had people tell me, "Well, you've got 4 kids already...what's one more??"  One more child to love.  One more child to disciple.  One more child to teach.  One more child to teach me.  One more child to disciple me.  One more child to love me.  One more is a huge thing.  A good thing.  A hard thing.  A beautiful thing.  Adoption has been the clearest earthly picture that God has given to me of redemption.  I get it so much better now.  Redemption is costly; it is messy; the weeks and even months and sometimes years following it can feel uncertain, strange, new, full of adventure with ups, downs, and hairpin curves.  Our adoption has felt much like this; much like what I imagine my heavenly Father has felt since the day He redeemed me.  It is one of the greatest gifts He has ever, ever given to us, this real-life picture of redemption.  I understand His love for me so much better now.  I treasure His patience with me so much more than I ever have before.  Some people think the crazy thought that we have somehow rescued this little girl.  No, it is the other way around.  The Lord is using her to rescue us.  I hope you don't misunderstand me when I say that.  I hope you hear my heart.  Only Christ can save us and it is only by Him that we can be free from sin and spend our lifetime with Him on earth and eternity with Him in heaven.  I know, however, that He oftentimes uses people to draw us into closer relationship with Him and shows us where we are not thinking or behaving rightly.  He uses them to help us "work out our salvation with fear and trembling."  And oh, am I so glad that He decided to use those closest to me to do that.

I am thrilled to report that Biruk Abigail is adjusting beautifully.  She is learning English at an alarmingly fast rate, she sleeps and eats like a champ, she is loving and loveable, she is difficult and incorrigible, she is learning to share and learning to allow family members to love and help her, she gives the best hugs this side of the Mississippi, and she feels like she has always been ours.  We are doing the hard job of living together as a family, and wouldn't have it any other way. 

   

Photo journal 11.15.11

Daddy and Biruk enjoying the first snow of the season

Dressed up as Snow White, pushing Teddy in the stroller, holding an umbrella

Funky and fun sticker glasses

Leaf pile!  You should've seen the tub when I washed her hair after this....

All of our princesses at Halloween

Fun with Eli

11.8.11

A surprisingly warm breeze is charging through my home on this sunny November day.  All of the windows have been opened to welcome it inside, to blow through this little house and refresh us all.  I watch my sweet son and daughters outside, laughing and playing, screeching and singing, running and jumping on the trampoline, chasing the leaves being blown through the yard.  Almost all of the leaves are off of the trees now, signaling the soon-coming winter season with all of the cold and snow (oh please, Lord....LOTS of snow) and rosy cheeks and sledding.  How blessed to have the privilege of living this small life with those in our little family. . .Emma with her quiet, sweet ways.  Eli contemplative with eyes wide open, never missing anything.  Leah with her dimpled grin, sparkling blue eyes and passion to live life.  Kristen showing us every day that life lived outside in the fresh air really is better.  Biruk Abigail giving us the joy of arms open wide to love us and a smile to chase any dark cloud away.  

It is a life to be thankful for, to be sure.  It is a life worth living slowly, savoring every moment and entering fully into it without thinking about "what's next."  Isn't it true...really, really true...that this life, these small moments sprinkled on me throughout the day, are gifts?  Presents wrapped up in freckled cheeks, laundry, cooking, disagreements, not being able to find cell phone and car keys, read-alouds, laughter around the table, and wet leaves in the washing machine?  Then why oh why do I so often not think of it that way?  Why do I so often feel like I must trudge my way through this day instead of dancing through it and thanking the Lord for what happens in it, good and bad?  "Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise" the psalmist sings over me.  What I most long for is to feel near to my Lord, to be with Him as close as I can be in this flesh and not die from the exposure.  To be close to Him I must learn the discipline of thanking and praising Him.  My joy in this life depends on it.  Isn't that what sets us as Christ-followers apart, this joy in Him that can be found no where else?  Shouldn't I be able to feel the joy of being close to Him even when circumstances in my life would threaten to steal it?  The answer is yes, and I am now on the hunt for it, this joy that I have let Satan steal from me.  What is amazing to me is that I don't have to make my way to Jerusalem or some other holy site to find it.  It's jumping right now on the trampoline with velvety soft skin and big brown eyes shouting, "Mama, look at me!!"  It's building volcanoes out of sand in the neighbor's yard and giggling little girls whispering in one another's ears.  It's in my own back yard in hues of gold and scarlet-red.  It's blowing through the house carrying the scent of freshly turned up earth with it.  "Give thanks to the Lord for He is good; His love endures forever."  Indeed.

Simple Wisdom

"Living in peace, do not the saints fall asleep in the arms of victory?"  Charles Spurgeon

Let it be so, Lord Jesus.  Teach me to live in peace in all circumstances, and in the struggle help me to not let go of you in the midst of it.  Let me learn from Jacob who wrestled all night long with the cry, "I WILL NOT LET GO UNTIL YOU BLESS ME!"  Teach me to rest in the knowledge that you are my Immanuel, my Prince of Peace, and that no amount of trial changes that.  Remind me that my Good Shepherd will let me through the valley not for my demise but for my good and may I feel the comfort of Your rod and staff.   Amen.

God loves me (and YOU) at all times in all circumstances. I bless His Holy Name.

"Rejoice in the Lord always -delight, gladden yourselves in Him; again I say, Rejoice! Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness, your considerateness, your forbearing spirit. The Lord is near - He is coming soon. Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. And God's peace shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. And my God will liberally supply - fill to the full - your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." (from Philippians 4 Amplified version)

Pray help me, Christ, to take my cup and drink it without drowning in it's dregs. Help me be a light, a beacon of one-mindedness, always focusing on your giving and leaving the taking to You to solve.

Cathedral 

Arches of reaching limbs 

Crickets sing secret hymns 

Over all of us 

Fireflies 

Tickle across our palms 

Lit up like diamonds drawn 

From the black above 

Awake my soul to live this moment 

Awake my soul, give thanks and hold it 

Dear now 

God is here now 

Awake my soul 

Day ends 

And brown eyes smile back at me 

She wipes my kiss from her cheek 

After last “Amen” 

Hush away the hurry 

Put to rest the worry 

Come to quell and quiet me 

In this moment given 

Slow and fully live it 

Drink up all the passing peace 

~Awake My Soul, Shaun Groves~

Sit down and partake of the abudance of Christ

I sit in my home in the quiet of the morning, sipping coffee, stroking the dog laying in my lap, and open the Scriptures.  I have a goal to read the Bible in its entirety again, having accomplished this only once since I came to know the Lord all those years ago.  Today, I finish Judges and go on to read chapters 13 and 14 in the gospel of Matthew.  I marvel at all of those red letters staring at me from the page:  The very words of Christ, just sitting there waiting to be ingested, ready to teach and transform me.  I am struck by the fact that these 2 chapters both hold miracles of feeding, of multiplying something infinitesimal and making it abundantly huge.  The first is the feeding of the 5,000 men, besides women and children, and the second is like it, only 1,000 less.  In the first account, people have traveled for miles and miles to hear the teaching of Jesus ("Isn't this just the carpenter's son whose mother is Mary and don't we know His brothers and sisters??") and experience the miraculous.  Many hours in, His disciples come to Him and say, "Lord, it's getting late.  How about we send these people to the neighboring villages so they can get something to eat?"  Jesus, in His quiet and understated way suggests that they feed them.  Can't you imagine the disciples looking incredulously at one another, scrambling in their brains to figure out what in the world to do with that?  And here's the part that jumps out at me this morning.  He asks the disciples in both accounts what they have.  "Just a few loaves and fishes," they reply.   
"Bring them to Me."  Don't you wonder if they're thinking, "Alright, Lord, but it's not going to do any good."  Just like me.  "Alright, Lord.  I'll bring you the little I have, and really it isn't much!  Just myself and my fears, anxieties, inadequacies, sinful tendencies. . ."  

So they bring the little, and Jesus says something that strikes me hard.  "Sit down," He says to the crowd, and to His disciples as well.  This is not not something they can make happen.  They must sit, rest, simply BE, and receive the blessing from the hands of Christ.  And what does He give them?  Everything they need and then some, 12 baskets left over from the feeding of the 5,000 and 7 baskets left over from the feeding of the 4,000.  

So I am reminded again today to pull up to the table of Christ, who takes my meager offering and turns it into a feast, who provides for my every need and then some so that I can spill over onto the people with whom I rub shoulders today, and at the end of this gift of a day I will not feel depleted or worn out emotionally and spiritually. . .I will have baskets-full left over, provided by the hand of Christ Himself.

"All Is Grace........"

Life is never what we expect it to be, is it?  Even in the midst of earnest prayer, of purposefully reading and earnest conversation with those who've gone before us, we can never be fully prepared for what real life will be like when whatever big moment we've been waiting for finally arrives. . .

Responsibility can weigh heavy.  Feelings of inadequacy can cause panic.  Performing well, especially in the sight of so many who have been faithful to pray and help in a myriad of ways, can quickly become your focus.  Fear can creep in the middle of the night and choke.  

What is one to do?  Things must be done.  Children must be discipled, given a place to love and be loved, to grow and create, to learn the mysterious and beautiful ways of God. . .and how?  By watching and listening and, scarily enough, emulating the adults God Himself has given to them.  Even typing that, fear begins to take hold in a heart.  

This is when He calls, real quiet. . .soothing words for a frightened soul.  "Come to Me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."  "My peace I give to you...I do not give as the world gives."  "You will find rest for your souls."  "I will never, ever leave you or forsake you."  "Cast all your cares on Me, for I care for you."   

It has taken me years to learn, and I'm almost ashamed and a little shy to say that I am still daily learning it.  It is not about my ability to perform.  It is not about my capability to DO.  It is about learning to belong in Him.  Learning to live, even to take each breath, in the security of His love.  It is about learning to give thanks in all things, even and maybe especially, in the hard; in the things that push us way beyond our own limits, to the place where faith lives.  Isn't this what I've been asking for all these years?  Sometimes, I admit, I need for my faith to become sight; I need for Him to show me that I am walking exactly where He wants me to walk and He's directing my every step, even holding me and walking with me in His strong, comforting arms when the way is unfamiliar.  


But He's already been here, hasn't He?  He is the great I AM...He is fully present in the future.  This way is not unfamiliar to Him.  This path is One that He's been down.  He knows where to go.  He knows what I'll need for the journey, and He'll be sweetly faithful to give it, without reservation.  "...how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts if you ask Him?"  

Someone signs each of her e-mails, "All is Grace".  I am learning this is true.  ALL is grace.  ALL is precious gift, because it comes directly from the hand of a loving God.  This is the net that holds me up, that catches me when fear grabs and I feel like I'm falling.  He is with me.  Always, always, He is with me.
 

We Have Her!!

What a big, big day.  This morning we woke up early to a tremendous thunderstorm around 4:30 a.m. here.  This, of course, meant that the brain started to run and sleep was no longer a possibility.  It has been a long time, if ever, that I have felt that nervous.  We got up, packed a backpack full of things that we thought we may need for going to see Biruk for the first time since May 31st, and headed downstairs to wait for the van to pick us up.  We are so, so fortunate to be here with the same two couples we met on the first trip.  It's been such a blessing to be able to share such momentous occasions with these 2 families.

We hopped in the van and headed to the care center.  When we got there, they asked us to remove our shoes and put on flip-flops that they provide to try to keep the care center as clean as possible, and we went inside and up a flight of stairs to the room where we were to see our children.  It's hard to describe what waiting in that room with our friends was like...all of us (girls, that is) were tearing up just thinking about seeing our girls again.  The staff brought our girls in one at a time.  Jenn and Jay were first, and they brought in their daughter, Anaylim.  How amazing to be able to watch them be reunited with their sweet daughter forever.  Next, Biruk was brought in, and Aaron and I got down on our knees and hugged and kissed and kissed and hugged, and it struck me.  Our daughter was home, not in Swayzee, Indiana, but home in our arms.  *sigh*  Completely amazing.  Then we got to watch Abby and Roger reunite with their daughter, Wudinesh.  We got to stay for a couple of hours playing, and then they made us leave to go to lunch.  Biruk did not understand this.  It was her naptime, but she clung to me and cried, a panicked look on her face.  I asked the staff to please explain to her that we were coming back in just a couple of hours, but she was having none of it.  I had to leave her behind, crying in her room.  I had NO appetite for lunch; I just wanted to stay with her!!  This was absolutely the worst part of the day.  When we got back the staff did a farewell party for the girls, providing each of them with a traditional Ethiopian dress and head scarf, cake (which she totally hated) and a coffee ceremony.  Biruk was acting a little bit strange; she would not let anyone touch Aaron or I (especially kids from the orphanage) and kept pointing out the window.  She very much wanted to leave and was feeling quite protective of her new parents!!  We hopped in the van, sat Biruk in our laps, and off we went.  When we pulled up to the place we are staying, Biruk started to stiffen and got panicked again.  She started whimpering and we kept telling her over and over, "You're staying with us, baby girl.  We're not leaving you here.  You're coming with us and we're coming with you."  She finally started to grasp that we were not going to be separated again and calmed down a bit.

We headed up to our room where she had a banana and a bottle of water, and then we let her go through her suitcase.  She looked at every shirt, every skirt, every pair of pants (and folded it all when she was done looking.  WHAT??), and had me put a miriad of hair pretties in her hair.  Pictures will follow when we get home :)  We showed her pictures of the kids and to our complete shock she repeated after us, "Emma.  Eli.  Leah.  Kristen.  Maggie!"  The first day with her has been awesome.

I have to get off this computer...sorry for the length of the blog but I wanted to at least fill you in a little bit!  Please continue to pray. This is a big adjustment for us all and we need God right in the middle of it.  We love you all!

Whatever the Lord starts, He is faithful to complete

Here's the blog I've been waiting to write for 19 months.  This is the one that feels a little bitter-sweet, even as I type it.  After all of this time, after all of the praying, waiting, filling-out-mountains-of-paperwork, talking, dreaming, thinking, and falling in love with a three year old Ethiopian little girl named Biruk, I am so over the moon excited to tell you that we are picking her up.  Our baby girl is coming home.  The waiting is sweetly and finally over.  I think I may have felt this way as I was laboring to deliver our other children.  So very, very excited to hold and cuddle, kiss and snuggle this newest blessing to our family; and also feeling a little nostalgic and thinking that this was the last day that we were a family of 2.  Then of 3.  Then of 4.  Then of 5.  Then of 6.  Now of 7.  It's that understanding that things will never be the same again.  It's the letting go of what was to grasp the new that God is doing.  And it puts a small twang in my heart.

What I love to think of is when we were finally introduced to our newest additions as they came into the world.  All of the wondering, the asking of questions, (will I be able to do this well?  will I be able to love this one as much as I love the one who came before?  how will this change our little family?  what will "everyday" look like now?) fled out of my mind and I just knew.  They were always meant to be with us.  Such a short time after birthing our children into this world I remember thinking, "What was life like before them?  I honestly can't remember."  It will be that way with Biruk.  We will get her home and we will say with all honesty, "She was always meant to be with us.  I can't remember life before she came."  

We leave on a plane Thursday afternoon.  We arrive in Ethiopia on Friday night.  We come home a week later, forever and blessedly changed.  Our missing puzzle piece will be home...not just a picture on our refrigerator but a sweet baby girl padding down the steps in a Tinker Bell nightgown holding blankie in early morning sunshine.  It has been a year and a half I will always remember.  I think I understand Mary, the mother of Jesus, a little bit better now.  I, too, will be pondering these things and treasuring them in my heart for years and years to come.  How I praise the Giver of all good gifts.

We've been submitted!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I opened up my e-mail today to do what I do everyday.  Check to see whether or not our adoption agency contacted us about Biruk.  The past 2 weeks we've not heard anything so I really wasn't expecting anything different.  Instead, we got this little gem of a message :

Dear Travis Family,

Congratulations! We just received word that your case was submitted to the US Embassy today.

Once they have reviewed your case and cleared your family for a visa interview we will be in contact with you about travel dates.

There really is a light at the end of the tunnel!!  We are praising the Lord for His goodness and perfect timing!  

Thank you, Lord!!

Just a quick note to let you know that last night the boy's soccer team assistant coach position was filled!  Thank you for praying with us about this...I wish you could have seen the relief on Aaron's face when he talked with me about it last night!  I love watching God's people pray together as a family and I love even more watching our Daddy take care of our needs for us.

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"  Matthew 7:9-11

Good News!

Hello, friends!  It has been a long, long time since I've had a little time to sit at the computer and give an update on our adoption.  My sweet husband and I took one of the coolest groups of high school students we've ever had the privilege to serve with to an Indian Reservation in South Dakota last week.  What an incredible experience.  I am so grateful to the Lord for the unexpected opportunity to go.  Here are just a few snapshots, and if any CCC students read this feel free to add your own in the comment box!

~Almost the entire group playing Apples to Apples on the nearly 20 hour bus trip and laughing their heads off (Thanks, Megan for bringing it!!)
~Learning from God's Word together
~Praying at the foot of the cross each morning and writing Scripture on prayer poles

~Sitting outside in the perfect spot, overlooking wheat fields and rolling hills, watching one of the most spectacular cloud-to-cloud lightening shows I've ever seen
~Spontaneous worship bubbling out of students as we watched in awe
~Serving a meal to the homeless and hopeless
~Taking in the wonder of God's creation

~The church bus breaking down just outside the tiny town of Custer, South Dakota; kids and leaders alike praying fervently that the Lord would provide a mechanic who would know how to fix it, AND HE DID!!
~Girls playing frisbee with 2 sweet little girls
~Girls snuggling together in the upstairs bedroom scarfing Jolly Ranchers and talking about how to love God and be godly women

A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.  How good He is.  One of my favorite snapshots has to do with the adoption.  On Thursday our oldest daughter Emma called to tell us that we'd received an e-mail telling us that Biruk had been moved to the capital!!  We, of course, told the entire group who clapped and celebrated with us.  What a precious moment to share with them.  The other two little girls whom I asked you to pray for were also moved!  We ask for your continued prayer as moving is very hard on them.  They also have to undergo doctor's examinations and blood draws so they can be given a clean bill of health to enter the U.S.  Only a few more weeks and we should be able to go get her!!  Please also pray that the Lord provides an assistant soccer coach for Aaron.  We really, really, really need this so that when we get the call he will have someone to stand in for him while he's away.  Thank you for praying!!  We're getting closer!

Please help us pray her home......

It's been a while since I've been able to sit and update this blog.  Summer in a youth ministry is C-R-A-Z-Y busy.  We have seen God move in subtle and overt ways through all of the trips and camp, through Sunday nights and Bible studies.  We are grateful to play a small part in what He is doing, and continue to pray for student's hearts to be drawn to Him.  

In the midst of all of this, we are still in the middle of our adoption.  There have been circumstances take place that have halted it temporarily, and for this we ask you to pray.  The orphanage in which Biruk was (which has been her 2nd home since November) has been shut down by the government.  She and the rest of the children had to be moved to a non-Holt affiliated orphanage in the same town.  This, of course, is a very difficult thing for the children.  They are now having to get used to a brand-new orphanage with brand-new care givers.  My heart breaks not only for Biruk but for all of the other children.  Please pray for them.  Please pray for the perfect love of their heavenly Father to cast out all fear.  Please pray for paperwork to continue to be processed so that we can finally get the call to bring her home.  Please pray that these children will hear the song that Abba sings over them, according to the book of Zephaniah.  We don't know what the kids were able to bring with them and what they had to leave, so we're praying that the family book we made for Biruk was able to go with her.  If not, we're just praying that God will remind her of Aaron and I often and that He will whisper over and over and over that we are coming for her.  We have not forgotten her.  We want her. 

I need others to pray alongside us.  We received a picture of her just today, and it is ripping my heart out.  The saying goes that the "eyes are the window to the soul."  As I looked into those big brown eyes I saw confusion, sadness, and fear.  I.want.our.baby.girl.home.  I want for all of those sweet children to be home.  There are 2 other Holt families besides ours who had children moved to this new orphanage.  Please pray for them as well.  We need prayer that they will be moved to the Holt-affiliated transitional center in Addis Ababa to await our Embassy date.  We were told that our kids would be moved there after the court decree was issued, and that happened for us on June 17th.  For reasons beyond our control (but thankfully not God's!!) she and the 2 other little girls were not moved, and now we're kind of stuck due to the orphanage closure.  

Thank you friends, for helping us to pray Biruk home.